I'm sitting here at the edge if my bed, trying to pick a song to listen to. Skip, skip, skip. It's weird how I have all these hundreds of songs that I like, but always end up spending a few minutes skipping them until I find something I want to listen to.
It's been a few months since my last blog post. Why did I wait so long? Partly because I didn't know what to write. I always feel like every post has to have some sort of substance. Some meaning. Can't just write about something silly, no one would read that write? Well, who cares. I have always enjoyed writing. Whether or not I'm any good at it doesn't matter. It's a journal. A platform to be able to put your feelings out there into the world.
I have a paper plate sitting next to me which once had grapes on them. I love grapes. I found the famous cotton candy grapes at Whole Foods yesterday and loved them. I don't really like cotton candy, but those just had a slight hint of something sweet. It was just enough. However, grapes weren't the only thing I ate. Couple handfuls of Better Made chips, chips and salsa, two hot dogs I wrapped in a tortilla with cheese and hot sauce, an apple sliced up with some peanut butter, a banana and my Shakeology. Which I guess if you look at it, throughout the whole day really isn't a lot. However I get into these binges where I'm sitting on the couch watching something on Netflix, and I just start grabbing at food. I like to eat. I eat when I'm sad, eat when I'm happy, eat when I'm stressed, eat just because there's food around.
I read a blog about how you need to start looking food at differently. Not as morally good and morally wrong. But just as what it is, food. It's always been my struggle with weight loss. As a coach to other people, I try to always post about positivity. Because, no one wants to hear all the negatives. But, you know what? I'm human, and I struggle, a lot. I love to eat and I hate exercising. And maybe just maybe there's someone out there that can relate to me.
Even last night, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie, and I had some popcorn with him and then had a pint of Halo Top mint chip ice cream. Granted, Halo Top isn't too terrible for you, and I split the popcorn, and earlier in the day I had a pretty healthy lunch and dinner. But see, even now I'm trying to justify why I ate "badly." Part of me feels guilty about eating these so called "bad" things, because I am trying to lose weight and tone my body, but at the same time, I also don't want to give up the things I love.
I have to find a balance, because that's what life is all about. Having treats every now and then isn't going to kill me, just can't make it a constant thing. I say that, but I also work in a bakery and I sneak a cookie every now at then. That's something I need to stop doing. I don't really want a cookie, and I actually don't crave sweets that much. But, it's there. And it's calling to me. Been trying to bring fruits and stuff to snack on while I work, so I don't reach for that cookie, brownie or cupcake.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to stop beating myself up for doing something I "shouldn't" be doing. Like I said, it's a constant balancing act that I'm still trying to figure out. I'm not perfect. I am getting better though. There is a positive light in all of this. I am a lot farther in this journey than I was when I started in January of 2015. While I have things I'm still trying to work on... There are many things I have improved on.
Haven't had pop in... I forget how long. I'm having breakfast every morning by drinking my Shakeology. Breakfast used to be the hardest thing to do for me, I'm not really a morning person and I thought waking up early to cook myself breakfast was such a chore. Now, I spend less than five minutes blending up my drink, and I get all my vitamins and nutrients I need for the day right then and there. Trying to eat more vegetables, which is a big deal because I am such a picky eater. Hummus with carrots have been a go to snacking item for me recently. Cutting my portions down as been a great learning experience for me, and helps me from overeating to the point where I feel stuffed and sick. Drinking a lot more water. I'm exercising everyday or at least fives times a week.
So, yes. Food is always going to be there. And there are going to be days I eat a cheeseburger or some ice cream or whatever. But, you know what? Who cares. I'm not going to let it defy how I feel anymore. Taking things one day at a time. I over indulge a little bit today, I'll do better tomorrow. This weight loss/fitness journey is a long road. There's bumps, road blocks, construction work, traffic jams, and straight away roads. I am pretty damn proud of myself, even if I mess up every now and then. I am come a long, long way. And I still have a long way to go. But this girl isn't giving up.
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