Forget Everything And Run

Fear is something that has always haunted me, both in my young and adult life. I think it stemmed from me moving away from everything I knew and loved in California, to the great unknown in Arizona. A lot of my bad experiences in life, I tend to attribute to that move. I went from doing well in school, to barely graduating high school. Having tons of friends, to sitting in the back of class and being known as "the kid in the orange sweatshirt." While I can't blame everything on that move (I don't want my parents to feel bad about it, it's not their fault), a lot of it has to do with me. My fears.

I have always let fear kind of control a lot of things I wanted to do. I know fear is a natural thing to have. And in some instances it is helpful and can even save your life if you're ever put in that sort of situation.

When I was in high school I was depressed. I was sad to have left the place where I grew up, left all my friends I knew since I was 5. To a place that was strange to me. To a school I didn't recognize. I didn't fit in, I didn't even try. I was scared to approach people. Scared to talk to people. I let my fear of what people thought of me, cripple me. So, I just sat in the back of class. It got to the point where I would have my Mom call in sick for me at school. I didn't want to go. I just assumed everyone hated me. When in fact, people thought I hated them. I didn't make an effort.

A lot of my fears in life are related to social situations. I get scared of meeting new people, even to this day I struggle with it. Being put in a room where you might know one person or maybe nobody. It's terrifying. And that social anxiety, that fear, has kept me from birthday parties, weddings, social gatherings, whatever. It's part of the reason why I gravitated so much to the online gaming community.

Fast forward to now. I don't regret any of the decisions I've made. Everything in my life, everything that has happened, every person that made their mark, has made me who I am. And if something went a different way, I may not be the person who I am now. And I like who I am.

This brings me to why I started this specific post. My sister-in-law (not officially, but close enough) is a huge yoga enthusiast. Yoga is something that has always interested me. I've tried a few different yoga videos on YouTube, but for me... it's really difficult to try and do most of the poses where my eyes are supposed to be closed, or my head is facing down, and then try to look at the TV. I suppose it won't be much different in a class, but at least there's an instructor there, and you have that setting of being in a yoga studio. She's coming into town this weekend, and asked me if I wanted to join her in going to a Bikram Yoga session.

My first immediate response is, no. I won't know what I'm doing. I know absolutely nothing about yoga. What if I can't do any of the poses? What if I fall over? What if I mess up? What if they laugh at me? What if? Fear. Again, letting something that I want to do stop me from doing it.

I took a breath, and I told her yes. So what if I mess up. Everyone in that room has been in the same position as me. People have to start somewhere. From square 1. I'm nervous and scared, yes. But I'm going to do it, I'm going to try. And who knows, maybe I'll love it and become amazing at it. I was scared of trying a new workout, joining this whole Beachbody thing, trying to eat better. Because I didn't want to fail. But, here I am. I've succeeded, and am continuing to succeed. Even with blogging. It's terrifying to put yourself out there. Even posting a picture of myself of what I used to look like, and what I look like now. It's scary. But I did it.

Come Monday, I will be with her at a yoga studio, doing hot yoga, with a bunch of strangers, in a room doing things I don't know how to do, sweating my butt off. But you know what? It'll be amazing.